Man I'm a baby...even as I write this I feel a sense of being ashamed of myself. The Hubs had a port call this weekend, and it was so WONDERFUL to be in semi-constant contact with him for a solid three days. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if he was here, at home with me.
I always have a weird reaction to port calls. I LOVE talking to him, and I love the fact that it usually means the bulk of an underway is behind us. But I always get the same depressed feeling after he leave the port and goes back under the sea again, limiting our contact to infrequent e-mails once more. It's almost as bad as when he leaves after being home for a while. It scares me actually for deployment....the emotional up and downs of going from frequent contact to none, they are really....really hard.
The worst part is that....I KNOW that I'm being a whiner and should be grateful that I even get contact with him. I watched 20/20 last night and one of their stories was about a platoon in Afghanistan that took heavy casualties about a year ago. 9 soldiers didn't come home from that deployment. And I read a blog of a poor woman who has lost her husband just this last year. It breaks my heart to read about her personal suffering. They have a 7 month old daughter that her husband never got to meet. I hear about these stories, and seriously...I can't help but think ' that could be you, Jen.'
But it isn't. My husband is alive and well. And yes we spend a TON of time apart, but that's what you expect in the military. So even KNOWING that my life isn't that bad, and I have a TON to be grateful for...I still can't fight the loneliness sometimes.
I'm getting more and more nervous for deployment by the day. We have so little time left...what am I going to do with myself while he is gone?? I mean....I have plans. I'm going to go live with my parents....my children are young, and there is nothing that ties me here. Why stay half a continent away from people who love me and want to support me and my children while my husband is away? But I mean....the day to day struggling is what I worry about. Even being around my Mommy and Daddy isn't going to take away the pain that comes when half of my self is gone with him. I have really good days. But...most days are just okay. And some days are awful.
Today is an awful day.
until next time
Only your soul can hear what's in my heart
1 month ago