Port Calls are hard....

Man I'm a baby...even as I write this I feel a sense of being ashamed of myself. The Hubs had a port call this weekend, and it was so WONDERFUL to be in semi-constant contact with him for a solid three days. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if he was here, at home with me.

I always have a weird reaction to port calls. I LOVE talking to him, and I love the fact that it usually means the bulk of an underway is behind us. But I always get the same depressed feeling after he leave the port and goes back under the sea again, limiting our contact to infrequent e-mails once more. It's almost as bad as when he leaves after being home for a while. It scares me actually for deployment....the emotional up and downs of going from frequent contact to none, they are really....really hard.

The worst part is that....I KNOW that I'm being a whiner and should be grateful that I even get contact with him. I watched 20/20 last night and one of their stories was about a platoon in Afghanistan that took heavy casualties about a year ago. 9 soldiers didn't come home from that deployment. And I read a blog of a poor woman who has lost her husband just this last year. It breaks my heart to read about her personal suffering. They have a 7 month old daughter that her husband never got to meet. I hear about these stories, and seriously...I can't help but think ' that could be you, Jen.'

But it isn't. My husband is alive and well. And yes we spend a TON of time apart, but that's what you expect in the military. So even KNOWING that my life isn't that bad, and I have a TON to be grateful for...I still can't fight the loneliness sometimes.

I'm getting more and more nervous for deployment by the day. We have so little time left...what am I going to do with myself while he is gone?? I mean....I have plans. I'm going to go live with my parents....my children are young, and there is nothing that ties me here. Why stay half a continent away from people who love me and want to support me and my children while my husband is away? But I mean....the day to day struggling is what I worry about. Even being around my Mommy and Daddy isn't going to take away the pain that comes when half of my self is gone with him. I have really good days. But...most days are just okay. And some days are awful.

Today is an awful day.

until next time

You know you're a submarine wife if...

Well, we've made it past the halfway point of this underway, and the boat pulled into a port this weekend so I've had the opportunity to talk to the Hubs several times on the phone, and I have to say, it's been a relief just to hear his voice!!

I'll admit I was a little frustrated with him the first time that he called...he was distracted because of trying to get a room at the Navy Lodge and having gotten some time off the boat for the first time in two weeks. And my husband has the attention span of a two-year old and can only focus on one thing at a time. On top of that he really prefers talking about certain things in private when we talk on the phone, which I TOTALLY understand...I was just having one of those moments where I wanted to say to him " Honey, I've had one hell of a two week period here, and if you can't talk then you shouldn't have called!!" Which is totally bullcrap, I would have been really disappointed if he hadn't called until hours after he'd been in port. :) I just missed him and really wanted his attention...I'm needy, it's true.

And seriously....it had been crazy for me since he's been gone. I mean...obviously, two kids are more work then one but...it's like with anything else about being a parent, you really DON'T know, until you've experiences it yourself! My sister jokes around about Piglet being a "walking pharmacy" and seriously, with all the issues he's had in the last two weeks, it really feels like it! On top of that, we're trying to work out some major issues that need to be taken care of before deployment, and there is only so much time before he's gone and it doesn't feel like we're going to be able to fit everything in!

I've been following this group on facebook called "Submarine Wives" and they've had this running joke they keep posting of " you know you're a submarine wife if..." and a couple have really struck a cord with me;

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SUBMARINERS WIFE IF:

* You've stayed awake during the mid watch to talk to your husband on
the phone. ( I'm doing this one tonight as a matter of fact! :) )

* You have told a creditor "No, really, I don't have power of attorney because he had to work every day until O dark thirty for 6 weeks prior to this deployment but if you want your money you better tell me what the problem is".

I dealt with the second one this underway actually. Well not that scenario in particular, but the horrible realization that the POA we have is pretty much worthless...I can't even change internet carriers with it. So number one priority when he gets back?? Get a better fricking POA!!

Anyway...so that's my military life in a nutshell lately. Don't worry...there'll be plenty more drama where that came from!

Until next time,