It's official...

Well it's official. I am 29. I have entered my last year in my twenties. Weird. I don't feel 29. Honestly...sometimes at moments I feel like I'm a little girl "playing" house....although never in my wildest imaginations did I "play" that I was a military wife, with two children under the age of 3, and a husband who deployed for 1/2 the year.

Life just evolves...and the next thing you know, those are your challenges, and you are doing something in a millions year you never thought you could do. Things you still don't feel capable of doing...but you do them anyway...

I am strangely anxious ( and by anxious I mean riddled with anxiety) about homecoming. Almost as bad as it was during the load-out period before deployment. Wow, I've spent almost every day of the last 6 months wishing I could be with him, and now it's almost here and  I'm...lol...scared.

My more experienced Navy-wife friends tell me that it's normal. I told Skunky in an email recently, how I was nervous and scared for homecoming and his response was so simple...and so heartwarming it took my breath away;

"You are everything to me!  I cannot let that go or even fade just because of some small worry that might eat me up inside if I focus too hard on it!"

The man is a genius. I don't know how many times various members of my family have told me to "not worry over things you can't control" and yet Skunky is the only one who could say it in a way that made it click.

So...29 is going to be a new year for me. I'm turning over a new leaf, and I'm going to release my worries of what I can't control, and try my darnedest to live IN the moment! Every moment that I have with Skunky, Pollyanna, and Piglet is a blessing that should be treasured! Heavenly Father intended for me to be happy, and not live my life 'focused on worries that might eat me up inside'.


Happy birthday to Me. Happy birthday to me. Happy biiiiiirthday to meeeeee. Happy birthday to ME!

OPSEC and so much more...

Okay so....this weekend was slightly terrifying for me. I still feel a little crazy about it, so I question the wisdom of blogging. I have a tendency to overshare about my emotions on here when I'm not keeping myself in check!

I'm sure that most of you will have heard about this over the weekend:

Source

And yes...my husband was on one of the submarines involved in the cruise missile strikes on Libya. ( For official releases go here, here and here.)

I've had one heck of a week actually. Since last Tuesday there has been a pretty much constant stream of information about my husbands boat that has been at times...really confusing and inconsistent ( I may have mentioned that in my previous post).

I'm still a pretty green navy wife, obviously. :) This is our first deployment, and is a HUGE learning experience. My husband's boat is slowly meandering their way back home. We've endured months of a very lonely separation, and could not be more excited for it to just be over! So when news reports started popping up about my husbands boat being "diverted" to Libya, naturally little warning bells started ringing in my head. I knew Libya was in turmoil...heck, I've been watching that whole region since the riots in Egypt broke out! It seemed however that things were going to stay just quiet enough for my husbands boat to make it home on time...until this week!

I heard the initial report, and called the Ombudsman. Nothing had changed, just a hyped up media. Okay, that's cool. Settled. Two days later, they call an " EMERGENCY MEETING". Uh hmm. I attempt to not spend the rest of the day running the worst case scenarios in my head only to get to the meeting and be told "Nothing has changed, just a hyped up media." Me thinks thou dost protest too much. However, even feeling like the meeting was a little odd and uncalled for, I took what was said seriously and tried very hard to put the whole thing out of my mind. I mean...I have a homecoming to plan for! And I haven't even decided what I'm going to wear yet!

Two days after that ....we're freaking bombing Libya. And once again, my husbands boat is plastered all over the news.

Miraculously, in the time since then they have transmitted emails twice. Bless this Command for that! And those emails included one from the COB stating that they were still running on schedule. I think, however, the coming weeks are going to see a lot of tense Navy wives in my area praying, and watching the news religiously, for any hint of change.

This whole experience has taught me a bit more about OPSEC. I mean, on here I am as vague as I can possibly be. Most of you still don't even know which of those submarines my husband is actually on. I know not to post on Facebook ( I actually RARELY use Facebook so that's a non issue) and all of that jazz. That's what OPSEC has meant to me until this week.

But now I understand the lengths to which the military must go to protect OPSEC. Obviously they knew. Operations like the one this weekend don't just happen over night. And obviously something, somewhere, got leaked ( hence the reporting almost a week in advance) And that fact alone SCARES THE CRAP out of me. Not to mention the fact that my husband was involved in a highly publicized military operation...that's a whole new level of anxiety.

So I'm in this weird...1/2 grateful, 1/2 upset limbo of how I feel this situation was handled with the families. I TOTALLY get why they couldn't say anything to us. I really really do. They couldn't just come out and say " Well...yeah, actually, we're gonna bomb Libya in 2 days." But on the other hand, all of that " We care about you families, and that's why we give you all of this privileged information" is ringing a little hollow to me right now. That really is just something they tell you so you don't fly off the deep end and they have to send one of their valuable assets home to pick up the pieces.

I'm really going to miss my rose colored glasses....

Something I did NOT expect...

So I have a weird question.

I'm sure this happens more then I would even want to know...I mean obviously, I don't think you can be a military spouse without hearing all of the horror stories. But this actually hit me today in a way that it never has before. And I had like a mini panic attack this morning about it...

Do couples really split up after deployment??

I started thinking about this because one of the blogs I read somewhat infrequently announced that her and her newly returned from deployment husband ( it's been like 5 weeks) are splitting up. Basically the reasoning is...they've both changed too much during the deployment.

And that's the kicker that hit me into a tailspin for a few moments. OF COURSE you change during deployment! You're both experiencing different things and growing from them. But can you really change so much that the bond you had before deployment is severed?

I had to take a moment and re-evaluate Skunky's and my relationship for a minute. I feel like we prepared for "reintegration". We had conversations where we talked about what each of us is expecting might happen when he gets home. And that was just before deployment. Each time I have heard his sweet voice, each time we've been able to Skype, each sweet email since he has been gone has just been a reconfirmation of how much we really do love each other.

I am so thankful for my sister-in-law...we fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but she is the my go to girl when I need a sounding board. I told her I was freaking out about this, and she basically just said to me " Jen...are you kidding? You and Skunky are INSANE for each other ( I think we actully make her puke in her mouth sometimes ;)) Sure things are going to be different. You've been apart from each other for MONTHS! And yeah it'll be a little awkward at first, but then you will settle and life will be what you remember. STOP FREAKING OUT!"

I guess I just wasn't expecting this...nervousness. I've still got a decent amount of time before Skunky returns. But we're over the half-way point ( hopefully...Still got my eyes on Egypt) and on the downward slope. And what used to be extreme longing is turning into crazy " Holy crap, he's almost back!" nervousness!! Is this normal, people? :)

Anyway...so I've had another freak out moment. How do you deal when the crazy sharks start stirring in your head?

And PS- in case you were wondering, that awesome SIL is blogging about her new adventures in crazy Alaska!! She's a very entertaining read, check her out: Roughing it in Alaska