Port Calls are hard....

Man I'm a baby...even as I write this I feel a sense of being ashamed of myself. The Hubs had a port call this weekend, and it was so WONDERFUL to be in semi-constant contact with him for a solid three days. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if he was here, at home with me.

I always have a weird reaction to port calls. I LOVE talking to him, and I love the fact that it usually means the bulk of an underway is behind us. But I always get the same depressed feeling after he leave the port and goes back under the sea again, limiting our contact to infrequent e-mails once more. It's almost as bad as when he leaves after being home for a while. It scares me actually for deployment....the emotional up and downs of going from frequent contact to none, they are really....really hard.

The worst part is that....I KNOW that I'm being a whiner and should be grateful that I even get contact with him. I watched 20/20 last night and one of their stories was about a platoon in Afghanistan that took heavy casualties about a year ago. 9 soldiers didn't come home from that deployment. And I read a blog of a poor woman who has lost her husband just this last year. It breaks my heart to read about her personal suffering. They have a 7 month old daughter that her husband never got to meet. I hear about these stories, and seriously...I can't help but think ' that could be you, Jen.'

But it isn't. My husband is alive and well. And yes we spend a TON of time apart, but that's what you expect in the military. So even KNOWING that my life isn't that bad, and I have a TON to be grateful for...I still can't fight the loneliness sometimes.

I'm getting more and more nervous for deployment by the day. We have so little time left...what am I going to do with myself while he is gone?? I mean....I have plans. I'm going to go live with my parents....my children are young, and there is nothing that ties me here. Why stay half a continent away from people who love me and want to support me and my children while my husband is away? But I mean....the day to day struggling is what I worry about. Even being around my Mommy and Daddy isn't going to take away the pain that comes when half of my self is gone with him. I have really good days. But...most days are just okay. And some days are awful.

Today is an awful day.

until next time

Slightly obsessed...

Alright...I've become slightly obsessed with searching, finding, and reading other Navy wives opinions about life in the Navy. Seriously...I can't stop myself. I look for new blogs to read, I join walls on facebook, I talk to almost complete strangers all in an effort to...I don't know... I guess fill an emotional void I have in my life right now. Or at least find out how other women fill the void. I mean....I can't be the ONLY Navy wife in the whole world that is struggling right now...can I?

I came across this post on one of the blogs I have recently started reading. It's funny...because it actually mirrors something I have been feeling lately, AND something my Home Teachers brought up today during their visit. As most of you know, my husband is underway right now, and of course my HT's wanted to know where he was. When I told them he was at sea, they were both really surprised that he had not been allowed to stay home because I am so close to my due date. I told them I was actually grateful that they were out now, because it would allow him to be home for the birth... ( provided I don't go into labor before he gets back!) which of course is MAJOR. But, since neither of my HT's are in the military, that lead the conversation in the direction of other things I find difficult about "being in" the military, and then one of them said " But really, you have to realize all the benefits you get from being in the military and how good this experience is for your husband."

The thing about it is...I DO realize how much being in the Navy really has blessed my life. I mean...for one thing, and really the most major thing, is that I'm not sure Erick and I would be married if he hadn't made the decision to join the Navy. I remember being really impressed when he told me he was joining, by the type of commitment it took to join the military. It showed a level of maturity I had not seen in him in the four years I had known him, and it allowed my eyes to be opened a little to the potential of him as a husband.

And marrying Erick was the best, most inspired decision of my life. I think that's where it gets so difficult for me as a Navy wife. I can deal with long work hours, and bosses who are dishonest and only there to take care of themselves. We'd get the same thing in the civilian world. But I LITERALLY feel like 1/2 of myself has been torn away when he leaves, and I am forced to function as a mother, and a father, a sister, a friend, all while walking around as an incomplete person. So the Navy has both given me, and frequently takes away, the biggest, most important blessing of my life. And that's a contradiction I find hard to swallow sometimes. :)

But...I don't want to be one of those whiny military wives that other people really can't stand to be around! And almost everyone I've read about and talked to are so...just... positive about their life in the Navy. So what can I do? How can I show my gratitude for the lifestyle that my husband and I live right now, when I'm hurting in my heart and it's hard to see past that?

I don't know...that's something I'm going to work on I think. :) I'm hoping it will help to not be pregnant and hormonal. :) Also...I know it's gonna take a little strength from above, and I have faith that Heavenly Fathers knows me, and knows what I need to make it through, and if I rely on him anything is possible.

Until next time,
Jen