Friday, February 4, 2011

Something I did NOT expect...

So I have a weird question.

I'm sure this happens more then I would even want to know...I mean obviously, I don't think you can be a military spouse without hearing all of the horror stories. But this actually hit me today in a way that it never has before. And I had like a mini panic attack this morning about it...

Do couples really split up after deployment??

I started thinking about this because one of the blogs I read somewhat infrequently announced that her and her newly returned from deployment husband ( it's been like 5 weeks) are splitting up. Basically the reasoning is...they've both changed too much during the deployment.

And that's the kicker that hit me into a tailspin for a few moments. OF COURSE you change during deployment! You're both experiencing different things and growing from them. But can you really change so much that the bond you had before deployment is severed?

I had to take a moment and re-evaluate Skunky's and my relationship for a minute. I feel like we prepared for "reintegration". We had conversations where we talked about what each of us is expecting might happen when he gets home. And that was just before deployment. Each time I have heard his sweet voice, each time we've been able to Skype, each sweet email since he has been gone has just been a reconfirmation of how much we really do love each other.

I am so thankful for my sister-in-law...we fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but she is the my go to girl when I need a sounding board. I told her I was freaking out about this, and she basically just said to me " Jen...are you kidding? You and Skunky are INSANE for each other ( I think we actully make her puke in her mouth sometimes ;)) Sure things are going to be different. You've been apart from each other for MONTHS! And yeah it'll be a little awkward at first, but then you will settle and life will be what you remember. STOP FREAKING OUT!"

I guess I just wasn't expecting this...nervousness. I've still got a decent amount of time before Skunky returns. But we're over the half-way point ( hopefully...Still got my eyes on Egypt) and on the downward slope. And what used to be extreme longing is turning into crazy " Holy crap, he's almost back!" nervousness!! Is this normal, people? :)

Anyway...so I've had another freak out moment. How do you deal when the crazy sharks start stirring in your head?

And PS- in case you were wondering, that awesome SIL is blogging about her new adventures in crazy Alaska!! She's a very entertaining read, check her out: Roughing it in Alaska

8 thoughts:

housewife said...

So...who's the cat and who's the dog:P I'm glad another 3000 miles hasn't bumped me off your grid:) You'll be fine you two lovebirds...(ack...I think I just threw up...in my mouth a little:)) lol

Nana S. said...

Jen, I really don't know anything about being a Mil spouse and it must have a bunch of fears that I cannot even begin to imagine, but I do know that a marriage is only as strong as the love that holds it together. There is much give and take in every relationship and in a marriage it requires 100% of both on both of your parts. Yes,you can expect each of you will experience changes in each other (hopefully a maturity that will enhance your togetherness). Give yourselves some time to get to discover each other again. You will be just fine. Relax and enjoy your family and look forward to Eric's return to his family. Love you lots.

KK said...

I would say with Navy it's more likly that you divorce DURING deployment. I know a lot of guys who came home and the wife was gone or he had to come home early to deal with it all. For the most part, I've noticed that it's army or marine wives who divorce after. I think it's mostly due to thier deployments being SO MUCH different then ours. they are in WAR seeing things like that changes people.

Katie said...

It is always weird when The Squid gets back, but the good kind of weird. First date, first kiss kind of weird. I think some people that split up after deployments don't know themselves as well as they think they do when the time for deployments come. I wouldn't worry.

Nicky said...

Just found your blog - love it! You know, my feeling is that in the circumstances where people divorce post-deployment, there probably have been issues brewing that both are aware of, for some time - I doubt it's a complete surprise thing in most cases.

Katrina said...

Lot of good comments... your grandmother probably said all that I would have said...LOL :) Your doing well and Erick will be so happy to be home and all tho there is a maturity that takes place between you both the reunion will melt the distance away fast. I remember when your dad traveled so much, it was a wonderful time when he came home. You know Jen trust in your self and trust in your hubby your Love is deeper then many.

Navy Princess said...

Oh Jenn I just went through this whole thought process not too very long ago. I was so nervous to see him again, I kept thinking he would see me and ask himself why he married me to begin with. This is all normal to deployment homecomings. Sad isn't it that this is the norm in our lives?!?

It's true that people do split up after deployments, and it is so sad. There are a lot of different reasons I'm sure, but one of them is that they don't have the church in their lives. I truly believe that the church gives us a greater bond and something more to hold on to than "till death do us part." We have eternity to work towards... and when you think about it, deployments in the grand scheme of things are mere seconds apart. Seconds that feel like forever, don't get me wrong. What I am trying to say is that you and "Skunky" have an amazing relationship, and that isn't about to end because of time apart. You are both dedicated to making it to eternity as a family.

((hugs)) Such a rollercoaster, and not many can say that they have done it. Be proud of yourself Jenn, because I am proud of you and proud of "Skunky" too. We miss you guys!

annoyed army wife said...

I was thinking about the same thing when OccDoc told me about several soldiers he's deployed with who are in the middle or thinking about divorce. I never really thought about it. I know things will be slightly different when he gets back (until I whip him back into line), but things are always changing and we just roll with it. I know my husband is going to come back broken - he's seen too much and had people dying on his table - and it's going to be up to me to help him through it or get him the help he needs to get through it.

From what I know about you, it seems like you and your husband have good heads on your shoulders and went into this whole marriage thing with your eyes wide open. As long as you acknowledge it might be rough at the start, I think you have it made in the shade. It's the people who have no clue that something's changed I worry about.

OccDoc and I signed up for a marriage workshop in April in SLC to kind of help us along in getting to know each other again. They have another workshop in Nov - let me know if you want the info.